December

I know I'm rarely serious on this silly little blog but December is difficult for me. December is all the precious memories of childhood mingled with the unbearable memories of watching my strong mother slip into the clutches of cancer. When she was diagnosed in July of 1999 they didn't know how long she would have, it wouldn't have mattered the number they assigned her, she set a goal of one more Christmas with her family. Through late Summer and all of Autumn we held our collective breaths wondering if she would make it to her goal of spending Christmas, 1999 with her family. In hindsight, I wonder why we spent so much time worrying instead of concentrating on celebrating our family. She slipped into a coma the day after Christmas celebrations ended, December 26th, 1999 and passed away on January 4, 2000. She was eight days short of her 44th birthday.

Now, I spend my Decembers trying to remember the good and block out the bad, working to make happy Christmas memories for my younger siblings, while trying to honor my mom. I freely admit that I suck at this. My natural tendency is towards a depressive mindset, even when I acknowledge that my depression is irrational, it is still a battle I struggle with constantly.

Worrying leads to more worrying. Though I believe my marriage to be strong and happy, I worry that I am pushing my husband away and that he will give up on our life together. Depression is hell, even when all is good, the depression is lurking in the background. We've had some other struggles recently - nothing I want to detail here, nothing I don't think we can get through, but it certainly doesn't help the depression when there are other factors at work influencing my state of mind.

"Get Me Through December"
Natalie Mac Master

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild winter's day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Just get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again