December

I know I'm rarely serious on this silly little blog but December is difficult for me. December is all the precious memories of childhood mingled with the unbearable memories of watching my strong mother slip into the clutches of cancer. When she was diagnosed in July of 1999 they didn't know how long she would have, it wouldn't have mattered the number they assigned her, she set a goal of one more Christmas with her family. Through late Summer and all of Autumn we held our collective breaths wondering if she would make it to her goal of spending Christmas, 1999 with her family. In hindsight, I wonder why we spent so much time worrying instead of concentrating on celebrating our family. She slipped into a coma the day after Christmas celebrations ended, December 26th, 1999 and passed away on January 4, 2000. She was eight days short of her 44th birthday.

Now, I spend my Decembers trying to remember the good and block out the bad, working to make happy Christmas memories for my younger siblings, while trying to honor my mom. I freely admit that I suck at this. My natural tendency is towards a depressive mindset, even when I acknowledge that my depression is irrational, it is still a battle I struggle with constantly.

Worrying leads to more worrying. Though I believe my marriage to be strong and happy, I worry that I am pushing my husband away and that he will give up on our life together. Depression is hell, even when all is good, the depression is lurking in the background. We've had some other struggles recently - nothing I want to detail here, nothing I don't think we can get through, but it certainly doesn't help the depression when there are other factors at work influencing my state of mind.

"Get Me Through December"
Natalie Mac Master

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild winter's day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Just get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

The Circle Game - Joni Mitchell

Missing my mom a lot lately. She was very much a part of the folk music generation, she used to sing this song to me when I was young.

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, 'when you’re older,' must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him,'take your time, it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down.'

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.

If you want to watch/listen to this youtube you'll want to go to the bottom of the blog and turn off the music player otherwise Joni Mitchell will be singing with Modern English and both songs will be trashed.